Nothing Says ‘I Love You’ Like a Backyard Wedding

Did I mention my daughter is getting married? That’s right! In less than 7 months she will tie the knot. I hear it takes a year to plan a wedding, so I’m starting what – 5 months in the hole? To make matters worse, the wedding is taking place 8 or so States Northeast of me. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to plan a wedding with only 6.5 months left, from 8 States away?! Oh, one more thing. In case you hadn’t heard, they say it costs $10,000 to get married these days. WHAT?!

Can anyone tell me who ‘they’ are? When you finish explaining, please help me re-locate my credit card so I can do my part to drive this country even further towards financial ruin.

Okay, I admit it. This post isn’t really about my daughter’s wedding, it’s about me. Because everything is about me, all the time, right? Of course, right.

Therefore, in the spirit of “it’s-all-about-meeee” (you have to sing it to get the full effect) I have decided to unveil my idea for the perfect wedding venue: our backyard. Seriously. I am convinced that our backyard is THE perfect spot for my daughter to get married. Truly idyllic.

Welcome to my version of The Wedding Venue Blues, a short list of great reasons why my backyard is the perfect venue for my daughter’s wedding:

1. Wildlife abounds

• We have gaggles of turkeys stealing food from the cardinals cruising our yard daily. My next-door neighbor buys corn especially for the miscreants darlings, guaranteeing they will stop by each and every morning. While I sing the praises of toms flaunting their feathers before the hens, my husband claims they poop disease all over the yard; and, since we’re 10 feet inside the city limits, we aren’t actually allowed to kill one for Thanksgiving dinner … whatever. Aren’t they adorbs?

• Skunks are literally everywhere in my little town. If I’m not running over one in my car, I’m inhaling the sexy musky aroma whenever I open a window. What wedding would be complete without our furry tuxedo’ed friends? As one YouTube Source put it “Pepe le Pew is Odor-able!” True, true.
• Vultures are a local icon. I have friends who take pride in the fact that our little Nashville suburb suffers very few long-decaying animals due to the enormous vulture population. Now tell me, what wedding party wouldn’t enjoy a nice Bevy of Buzzards? Doves, schmuvs!
• Plenty of wasps, hornets, Japanese beetles, and mosquitoes invade enjoy the bounty in my yard all summer long. Just imagine the loveliness created by these insects as they perform their acrobatic dances amidst the lightening bugs, all the while being picked off one-by-one by our friendly, local bats! Who needs hanging candles or tiki torches when nature is right outside the back door, ready and willing to light up our lives?

2. My backyard comes with built-in rustic seating and a custom dance floor

• The previous owners of my little cottage believed in using natural boulders rocks as borders around the plethora of gardens. (Did you see how I found a way to use ‘plethora’ in this post? Skill people, skill.) These rocks vary in both shape and size, helping to accommodate all of the guests (both large and small), and they come complete with painful angled edges and plenty of soft moss to give everyone that cushion-y feel we all love in a fine seat.
• As an added bonus, in the little town where I live, if you want to hit solid rock, you simply dig an inch or so into the ground, anywhere, and VOILA, rock-face! It will be a nightmare simple task to remove the top layer of Bermuda shiz grass from my yard to produce an instant stone floor on which the Bride and Groom can boogie into their new life together!
• Of course, what wedding party would be complete without a pavilion? Fortunately for me, several large oaks and hickory nut trees provide all of the head injuries shade and weather protection one could hope for. Besides, by the time September comes, all of those loose nuts should have fallen already (crazy relatives not-withstanding).

3. Finally, my backyard neighbor will provide entertainment FOR FREE

• At all times of the day or night I hear horrific noises lovely tunes blasting emanating from my neighbor’s boombox located inside his concrete garage/driveway ensemble (when he is not revving his motorcycle engine at 2 a.m., that is). The annoyingly ugly stately structure provides the perfect wedding backdrop all the while managing to enhance the horse-sized charming black dune buggy trailer in the driveway. Because my neighbor’s lot sits higher than my backyard, all anyone will hear are bass guitar licks, drums beating loud enough to shake the shingles off my roof, and the frequent occasional f-bomb lacing his rebel-screamer-country-rock/rap music. Oh, and when he tries to belt it out sing along – ooohh, shivers, I tell you, right up my spine! Perfect for dancing the night away, I think! At the very least, everyone will have a great reason to drink a little more than usual. Always a plus whenever in-laws are gathered together in one place. 😉
• Let’s not forget the possibility of a dune buggy ride in between musical sets for all our guests, especially those who appreciate the brand new Ah-ooga horn on my neighbor’s latest rebuilt toy which he prefers to show off share with us in those quiet moments of peace I savor after work each evening and on Saturday mornings. Sleeping in is overrated, don’t you think?.

Who says a wedding has to cost $10,000??! Pshaw! Besides all the free stuff I’m getting, consider the other amazing benefits I’ll enjoy:

• Food and drink for all the wedding guests? $56.78 (thanks to Food Saver coupons!)
• Airfare from D.C. to Nashville for Bride and Groom? $745.98 (at least I won’t have to walk through TSA’s x-ray scanner anytime soon!)
• Hearing all 87 of my daughter’s wedding guests tell the asshat behind me where to shove his music?

Priceless!