I’ve Lost My Bearings

Now how in hell do I find them again?!

You know the last time I was happy?

Me to my eldest daughter, the summer of 2014

She did not miss a beat,

Hawaii!!

My very wise child

~ ~ ~

In 2014 I was miserable. Of course life has its ups and downs, but an eight-year stint of misery was not characteristic of my personality. Realist, yes. Pessimist, no. Never mind that 2014 was the first year without my sister and 50th Birthdays really can suck. I think in that moment, as I looked back over the past eight years, wondering what had become of the happiness I had once known, my higher self said, “Fuck this!” and a new journey began.

I did not know the first thing about numerology in those days, but if I had, I might have recognized where I was in the process. Here’s a quick blurb on how numerology affects us, in case you are unfamiliar.

The Personal Year is a year-long cycle of energy, running from one birthday to the next. It describes the events and opportunities being presented for the upcoming year. The personal years run sequentially 1, 2, 3, … up to 9 at which point they start over again.

https://www.adrienneabeyta.com/personal-year-number

~ ~ ~

There are differences of opinion as to when one’s personal year begins (January 1 or your birthday), but there is a general consensus on what each number actually means and how it plays out in your life.

If you’d like to calculate your personal year just take the month and date of your birthday and then add the numbers of the current year … keeping in mind whether your birthday has come or not. For example: May 9, 2022 – 5+9+2022 = 2036 = 2+3+6 = 11 = 1+1 = 2. In my example, this person would already be in their 2 year since their birthday already occurred.

But back to me.

2014 was a four year in my cycle.

4: Work, Practicality, Security, Stagnation

This year you are building the foundations for the future, so you can imagine the amount of work you will be participating in! Security will be of paramount importance as you begin to structure your life accordingly … Due to the feeling of maintenance and holding onto security, there can be a tendency to stagnate. Although your intentions may be to see it through, stagnating in the avenue of outworn relationships or unfulfilling jobs is self-defeating and will dilute your natural effort. This is a period of building foundations, not standing still. This year will be best experienced through self-discipline and organization. You have the ability to structure your life in a way that allows for maximum comfort; just be sure that you are still growing in your personal and emotional life while you are doing so!

Ibid.

~ ~ ~

Looking back, it is almost uncanny how accurate numerology can be! I really don’t want to rehash 2014 in this post, except to say that I definitely was not growing in any part of my life at that time. Stagnation was everywhere.

The following year could not have been more on point.

5: Freedom, Change, Discovery, Travel

This year should be viewed as an adventure. Things as you know it will be different. Traditionally this is the hardest year for people to deal with; particularly those not accustomed to change. However, once you understand that this is a year for exploration, then there are many buried treasures to discover! You are in the stage of expansion, both physically and mentally. There may be pursuits in the name of knowledge that cause you to search into unfamiliar territories, such as metaphysics, or literally, you will be doing some traveling to other places as a way of experiencing culture and diversity. Freedom is the biggest issue. If you feel restricted in any area of your life you can bet that there will be disruption, be it in a relationship, work, home environment, or really any self-imposed limitation. You are being challenged to make a personal transition.

Ibid.

~ ~ ~

About midway through my five year I walked away from a 28-yr. marriage, and soon after picked up my first deck of Tarot cards. For someone who spent 35+ years in a legalistic branch of Evangelical Christianity, change doesn’t get any bigger than that! (Did I mention I was married to a pastor and marriage and family therapist? I love irony.)

Without a doubt my eight year delivered!

8: Power, Responsibility, Finances, Prosperity

This is the year to own and direct your power in a deliberate and efficient way that will extract the best possible results.

Ibid.

~ ~ ~

In 2018 I published my first novel, started reading Tarot cards as a career, took my first real vacation – 11 days alone exploring Ireland, and literally manifested a car from thin air!

Fast forward to today. I am in a three year right now, but it sure doesn’t feel, look, or taste like a three to me.

3: Self-Expression, Creativity, Planning

This year is full of creativity, new ideas, dreams, and optimism all waiting to be shouted from the top of the hill to anyone who will listen. You may find yourself in intriguing social circles, like school, discussing things you’ve always wondered about, or you may finally make the contacts needed to pursue a desired venture. Information of every kind will be swirling around you, waiting for you to grab a hold. You are like a magnet and will attract many admirers! There is something carefree about you that others will thrive on. For those not in a serious relationship, anything casual and fun will be best for you because there is a tendency in a three year to fall in love with love; not necessarily with the other person, so it may be best not to start anything serious until next year.

Ibid.

~ ~ ~

In the Tarot, the number three represents expansion, but my life in 2022 felt more like a contraction. Certainly not in every area, mind you, just as an overall, general tone. I have felt out of my depth in work, writing, family, living situation – all of it! I shocked myself a couple of weeks ago when this thought crossed my mind:

I am ready for 2022 to be in the rear view.

Huh? You have to understand, this sentiment is not like me. Despite the collective, even 2020 did not feel this way! I remember an old saying, “Lost as a ball in high weeds.” Never thought I would be applying it to myself. But there it is. Here I am. And wherever you go, there you are. Now how to find my way out?

Perhaps that is why I grabbed hold of NanoPoblano this year, as an attempt to bring some sort of sane order or familiarity back into my life. If you wander around my blog (or even my personal journal), you will notice how little I have written since 2018. It almost seems like publishing a book and trying my hand at travel writing sucked all the words right out of me. Writer’s block? Nope, I’ve experienced that before. 2022 has been something else altogether.

Fifty-eight is not a time when anyone wants to feel like their life is up in the air – no job, no relationship security, and no idea what the future holds. For a little bit this year, I even forgot how to dream. But clearly something new is stirring.

Interesting that I am on the brink of another personal four year. I still meditate, I exercise, I put out job applications, I spend time with friends, family, and loved ones, but nothing in my life is even stable, much less stagnating! Still, something is off. And it’s me. And I hope to god that this post is my higher self saying, “FUCK THIS!!” I am ready for something new to begin again.

What do you do when you feel lost or off-track? How do you rediscover your bearings?

I would love to hear your story. Feel free to share in the comments below. Hey, thanks for reading!

Namaste from the weeds.