
100 words:
As a child, the wooden bridge leading into the cranberry bog had seemed endless. Kelsey stood looking down the expanse from her porch now, wondering if she’d made the right decision. Her doubts fled when she saw Grant running towards her from the dock.
“Look what I found, Mommy – treasure,” his high-pitched voice carried across the planks.
She smiled at his contagious excitement. To her 6-yr. old, even the mundane shimmered with wonder.
“Show me,” Kelsey shouted back. Seeing his prize stopped her heart cold. There in Grant’s hand, tangled with dripping leaves, rested Jim’s watch.
The above is my March 14, 2014 entry to Friday Fictioneers. Thanks to Rochelle for heading up this weekly challenge and to Adam Ickes for the photo prompt. Be sure to check out the other entries:
well done. this could go anywhere at this point. jim’s watch could be a good thing, a bad thing, could be anything.
small thing though – “As a child, the wooden bridge leading into the cranberry bog had seemed endless.” literally, this means you’re saying that when the wooden bridge was a child, it seemed endless. that beginning phrase “as a child,” then sets up so that the very next noun is what you’re describing.
to fix it, “As a child, i thought the wooden bridge leading into the cranberry bog seemed endless.”
or, “The wooden bridge leading into the cranberry bog had seemed endless when I was a child.”
yes, now you’ll have to cut two other words. should be easy.
Kelsey shouted back (no need for “back”). Seeing his prize stopped her heart cold. There (no need for There) in Grant’s hand,
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Yeah, I often misrepresent my adjectives to describe the wrong things. 🙂 Nice catch! I’m sure the word count is a barrier to me getting it right. When I turn this into a longer work, I will be sure to find a good editor (like you!) to spy all of those issues.
Excellent other points as well. Definitely the word limit is affecting my stories. It’s hard for someone as wordy as I to compact everything and still get it grammatically correct.
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for this, you don’t have to be grammatically correct, it’s okay, you’re forgiven but all except yourself.
as i’ve said to others, you’d be surprised what you can accomplish when you take your time, revise, revise, revise more. the most common thing i hear on my stories is about how much action/meaning/story i managed to get out of only 100 words. yes, but it takes work. so many people waste words by using perfect tense and prepositional phrases that could be revised and condensed. i urge people to relax, stop rushing to post early. take your time.
what’s ironic is that is exactly what my story is about this week. a disguised message to tell people to slow down, work on it, get it right, make it better. and please know that none of this is aimed at you. this just surfaced through our discussion.
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I hear you. If I had more time to work on these things… I could maybe do that if I had 2 weeks instead of 1…
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i bet you could get it done in less than two hours. with practice, less than one.
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[…] series of glimpses from a larger story begun 4 weeks ago. You can check out my previous parts here: Homecoming Part 2 Part […]
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[…] Last week’s entry had a few people asking me for more of the story brewing in my head. Thankfully, this week’s incredible photo prompt gave me just what I needed. Rochelle, I love your eye for photography! […]
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Must know more!
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Thanks, Riya. 🙂 Maybe if this week’s prompt provides inspiration.
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I want to know more too. This is a great story, well written. Thanks! Nan
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Thank you, Nan!
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Oh My. It went from idyllic to devilish in 30 secs flat. Wonderful ride.
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Thanks, DCT. 🙂
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Good work! It must give you great pleasure, to leave us all with bated breath, wanting more 🙂
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JustJoyfulness, it does, actually! lol I’m evil that way. 😉
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I was just thinking “what a pleasant scene” when – the twist! Tragic accident or foul play? Great story.
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We may yet find out, draliman. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
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Yikes! That is not what I expected. Great twist. What will she say to this one?? I’m dying to know the next part. Extend, extend!
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Thanks, Amy! We’ll have to see what the next prompt may bring…
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AH.. yes a watch without the person is usually an indication of sinister deeds…
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Yep. 🙂
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Ah,the suspense is killing me but am loving it cos my wicked mind is pouncing and feeding on a potpourri of murderous possibilities ;-)Great use of the prompt and loved that you left the reader hanging 😀
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Thanks atrm for reading and commenting! I’m thinking this might turn into something more in the coming weeks…
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Great-looking forward to reading the extended story then:-)
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What an ending, filled with dark forboding. You disguised it well. Ron
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Thanks, Ron! 🙂
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I hope your going to tell us the rest of that story 8^).
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You just never know … we’ll have to see what next week’s prompt brings. 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Nice story. Liked the use of bold text to ascent. Just one question. Who is Jim?
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We’ll have to see if we can find out in future stories, eh? Anyway, if Kelsey tells me, I’ll let you know. 😉
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I’m with the other readers who don’t want Kelsey to be a bad guy/gal. I want to think Jim was over his weight limit with cranberries and sunk into the bog under a setting sun. Of course, the italicized “her” hints at something a bit more sinister.
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lol That’s awesome! I’m so glad to hear you are all so engaged with my character! 😀
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Wow, that was good.
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Thanks, Dawn!
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Great ending, my heart went cold along with hers
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Nice! 🙂
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Was not expecting the ending. Great writing!
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Thanks for stopping by and for commenting!
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Dear JF,
With skill you took me in one direction before slapping me in the face with that muddy, wet ending. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks, Rochelle! 🙂
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Well-written story with a violent twist at the end. I don’t want to think of Kelsey as a murderess either. I also thought it was a great hook for a longer story.
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Nicely done. I had to reread it to make sure I understood the ending correctly. Sent shivers up my spine…
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I think she killed him but I don’t want to believe it. Give me a plausible alternative. Good, well-crafted story…
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How about, he fell in the bog years before but the body was never found… ? 😉
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Hmmmm….I wonder how it got there? The emphasis on the word “her” makes me think perhaps there was foul play but whose foul play was it? 🙂
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Exactly, Sarah! 😀
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Fantastic hook! I had to go back and read it again. She seemed like such a nice, reflective person… too nice to be a murderess. 🙂 Well done.
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Thank you, Sandra! I thought she was nice too. 😉
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I must know more. This is a great hook for a longer story.
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Thanks, Adam!
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That one took me by surprise. A deceptively complex-and chilling-little story. In one way, I’d like to know more; in another, the economy makes it perfect as it is.
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Thanks so much, Etienne!
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Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.
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Ooh, great tension to end on! Although you think she might have killed Jim, I think it’s left open enough to just be a disappearance. Lovely!
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Thanks, Claireful! 🙂
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Got me, Judah. I was enjoying the happy story and then wham! Well done.
janet
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Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Ooh! I wanna know what the rest of that story is!
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Me too! lol I think she killed him and hid his body in the bog… She wasn’t expecting the watch to turn up, obviously. But who is Jim? How does Grant figure into the story? And what kind of pie is my favorite??
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