Homecoming

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by Cindy
copyright – Adam Ickes

100 words:

As a child, the wooden bridge leading into the cranberry bog had seemed endless. Kelsey stood looking down the expanse from her porch now, wondering if she’d made the right decision. Her doubts fled when she saw Grant running towards her from the dock.

“Look what I found, Mommy – treasure,” his high-pitched voice carried across the planks.

She smiled at his contagious excitement. To her 6-yr. old, even the mundane shimmered with wonder.

“Show me,” Kelsey shouted back. Seeing his prize stopped her heart cold. There in Grant’s hand, tangled with dripping leaves, rested Jim’s watch.

The above is my March 14, 2014 entry to Friday Fictioneers. Thanks to Rochelle for heading up this weekly challenge and to Adam Ickes for the photo prompt. Be sure to check out the other entries:

59 thoughts on “Homecoming”

  1. well done. this could go anywhere at this point. jim’s watch could be a good thing, a bad thing, could be anything.

    small thing though – “As a child, the wooden bridge leading into the cranberry bog had seemed endless.” literally, this means you’re saying that when the wooden bridge was a child, it seemed endless. that beginning phrase “as a child,” then sets up so that the very next noun is what you’re describing.

    to fix it, “As a child, i thought the wooden bridge leading into the cranberry bog seemed endless.”

    or, “The wooden bridge leading into the cranberry bog had seemed endless when I was a child.”

    yes, now you’ll have to cut two other words. should be easy.

    Kelsey shouted back (no need for “back”). Seeing his prize stopped her heart cold. There (no need for There) in Grant’s hand,

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    1. Yeah, I often misrepresent my adjectives to describe the wrong things. 🙂 Nice catch! I’m sure the word count is a barrier to me getting it right. When I turn this into a longer work, I will be sure to find a good editor (like you!) to spy all of those issues.

      Excellent other points as well. Definitely the word limit is affecting my stories. It’s hard for someone as wordy as I to compact everything and still get it grammatically correct.

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      1. for this, you don’t have to be grammatically correct, it’s okay, you’re forgiven but all except yourself.

        as i’ve said to others, you’d be surprised what you can accomplish when you take your time, revise, revise, revise more. the most common thing i hear on my stories is about how much action/meaning/story i managed to get out of only 100 words. yes, but it takes work. so many people waste words by using perfect tense and prepositional phrases that could be revised and condensed. i urge people to relax, stop rushing to post early. take your time.

        what’s ironic is that is exactly what my story is about this week. a disguised message to tell people to slow down, work on it, get it right, make it better. and please know that none of this is aimed at you. this just surfaced through our discussion.

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  11. Ah,the suspense is killing me but am loving it cos my wicked mind is pouncing and feeding on a potpourri of murderous possibilities ;-)Great use of the prompt and loved that you left the reader hanging 😀

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  15. I’m with the other readers who don’t want Kelsey to be a bad guy/gal. I want to think Jim was over his weight limit with cranberries and sunk into the bog under a setting sun. Of course, the italicized “her” hints at something a bit more sinister.

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  24. Fantastic hook! I had to go back and read it again. She seemed like such a nice, reflective person… too nice to be a murderess. 🙂 Well done.

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    1. Me too! lol I think she killed him and hid his body in the bog… She wasn’t expecting the watch to turn up, obviously. But who is Jim? How does Grant figure into the story? And what kind of pie is my favorite??

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